Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Interviewwith the Monkey Mummy

Most of us grew up with our country's 1st Super idol. Not that Toufu guy or Mr Horse teeth, but Ah Meng the Orangutan.

Ah Meng was one hell of a guy beast... it was not only a local household name but also an international super star!

Ah Meng had shake it's hand, bear it's tits and even do breakfast naked with thousands of overseas celebrities/big shots. It was the pride of spore's zoological environment!

Years ago, this Grandma of the Zoo went into "semi retirement" while it's son, Satria, took over it's breakfast party to entertain guest.

Emiryo had the horror honor of interviewing her royal highness not too long ago... nobody saw him ever since... but they did recover a footage of it from him video camera...

Emiryo: Could you come down from that tree for a minute? I would like to ask you some question

Ah Meng: I ain't coming down anywhere near lowly scumbag like you if not of the TV crew's doing advertisements for me...
Ok, feel free to ask me anything you like, infact I would like you to throw me hard questions... you know, as hard as this coconut which I might accidentally drop on your head...

Emiryo: Errr ok.... First, I heard that your son still suck on your tits at this age?

Ah Meng: Nonsense! Do you really think that I still have milk? Btw, my son is capable of ruling this zoo all on his own!

Emiryo: Then why don't you step down?

Ah Meng: Coz i ate more banana than anyone else, the zoo can't do without me...

Emiryo: So you're saying that you can't step down coz YOUR SON NEEDS YOU while HE DON'T NEED YOU?? Was it you or I'm confused?

Ah Meng: Ok, let's get this straight... I will never ever step down coz my son needs me and I need the free peanuts this zoo's providing.

Emiryo: But you and your family already have more peanuts than anybody else in the zoo!

Ah Meng: Duh! How do you think we owns so many peanuts in the first place? There's never enough!!! I want more! MORE!!!

Emiryo: If you're so fucking greedy, than no matter how much i pay you is useless!

Ah Meng: You do know this coconut would really crack your skull easily?

Emiryo: Are you threatening me? No wonder ppl always tell me that they vote you out of fear...

Ah Meng: Fear? People? Why?... btw who are these people? How many of them? GIVE ME THEIR NAME, NRIC NO. HOME ADDRESS!!!

Emiryo: No frigging way! You stupid or what? They fear you coz they're worried that you'll go after them... and why are you avoiding tmy question all the time?

Ah Meng: Fuck you ok! If you can't name a single person to proof it, then you're lieing!
I'm gonna spank your ass like my grandson for listening to hearsay, rock’n'roll and smelling fingers after digging his ass! He should suck it!

Emiryo: Why i'm not your ...

Ah Meng: Yup! That's why I'm going to inflict even more pain on you... How dare you question the World No.1 orangutan, who get paid the whole No.1 peanuts while ruling the world No.1 Zoo?! You third class S.O.B!

Emiryo: Oh, so I see that anyone who ain't a Orangutan is a lowly S.O.B! That's how you look at singaporean... No wonder you can't tolerate any opposition!

Ah Meng: O'coz! I'm always right! Any low graded seeds of opposition must be weed out...

Emiryo: But how you know it's weeds? It might grew to be a Bodhi tree!

Ah Meng: All the more I'll've to stamp it out! And trust me! I'll do it now! Be afraid! Very Afraid!

Emiryo: I've pledged to give up my life for this nation, to build a democratic society based on justice and equality! What made you think that I'm afraid of a monke...

The last thing on this footage was a big coconut coming at 200km/hr...

Friday, April 28, 2006

Erection cumming, which hole you wanna poke?

Wonder if I were to say something like "those who vote blindly for the Lighting bolt are MINDLESS GOAT and have NO MALE CHICKEN HEAD", will they ever publish it in our daily newspaper?

Nay! most polly 100% not... and chances of me getting into trouble? Eeeww~ I don't event dare to think about it!

But this morning, I read on the toilet paper that there's this bitch which named those die hard fans of the opposition as... "ASS".
Wat, like this also can up the paper meh?!!

But on the second thoughts, maybe she just want to protect her rice bowl.
So sometime perform deep throat on meat rods of those top dogs also "Bo Bian" one, you know lah...

But why suck so hard until the cock juice also cum out? Really use that for facial meh? It'll help her skin glow? Try mine lah! Mine better! Grade A stuff!

Back in 1984... 31% of the Bedok's pokes was won by this guy who's said to be a mental gone case that have criminal record.
I didn't know how true lah, they didn't send me his personal file yet... but one sure thing is that 31% pokes!

Think about it! 31 frigging % of the ppl in Bedok were willing to take this "Mad Criminal" over Prof S.JayaOldHorse! Why?

Are these pokers as crazy as their candidate? Or are they really an ass like the reporter said? Man! We should withhold their poking rights until they prove that they able to "make the right choice".

If fact we should nab all those DumbAss out there in every single GangRapeClub and SinglesClub to revoke their poking rights unless they learn to choose the "right" hole. What say you? My suggestion ho bo?

Fuck ok! If you can't trust the ppl to poke the correct hole then CCB stroke their LP until full erection for fuck?! For shown only meh!

Why don't you stick your fingers up and feel around...
They choose that tight asshole only because your deep fried chicken cutlet is too big and dirty.

Over the years you're all dried up and never wash properly but yet all you want is more, more, more and more.

Like this who want to poked you! Some more last year Kidney also spoilt already how to fuck?

So exactly how do Assholes pokers like me choose? I'll tell you... Even if that ass ain't the real thing, so what?

It's just like a Whip... whether it's made of leather or plastic nobodies care, as long as you felt the pain, it's good!!

Coz we're not using it to replace you totally, but to 'help' you improve.

No matter what I did, by the overall results, you will still pass that HIV test.

But since your CCB fuck already not very siok, your report card wouldn't be nice.
51/100 marks! Grade D for you!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Make my stand...

Was busy like hell for the last few days and I couldn't even get the time to reply the comments on my blog...

Seems that I didn't do a good job to show where I stand in the "Li Ao" issue. Well, I'm with him!

I can't help but agree that we are weak in certain area, especially in regards to our politics, business shrewdness and defending our rights...

The word "Stupid" seems quite -ve and too strong for most ppl to stomach that it bruised the "National Pride". But hey! Only your family and friend would sugar coat their comments on you... and Li Ao ain't exactly your "MrPoliticallyCorrect".

So don't focus on just the phrasing or his choice of words, go beyond that... you might win the debate, but what do you really gain from that?

Taiwan is many times more cocked up and stupid in their own way, so what? You can't lay eggs doesn’t mean you can't comment on it’s taste.

I understand that it's human nature to be defensive whenever someone point their finger at us. But hey, if you can't take criticism, then you'll never improve. Are we so narrow/shallow that we only accept praise but not disparagement?

And by him saying that, does it reduce our market value on international level?


Everybody likes to do business with stupid ppl...

Every boss loves obedient workers…

Everyone likes to make friends with simple and straightforward kinda guy...

It don't hurt us to “look” stupid, easier to "Disguise as pig to eat tiger" than to be someone that everyone is guarding against.

But it'll hurt us real bad on when someone that holds you by the balls thinks that you are stupid... the govt.

They can do whatever they want to their little lambs that never kick or bite and follow them quietly to the slaughterhouse. If you let that happen... man, you're a dumb piece of shit!

I don't want a messy scene like Taiwan that leads to social unrest and economy upset. Neither do I want to be exploited like a slave.

But even if all the opposition grabs their seats in the coming election (Which I’m 100% sure wouldn’t happen), it's not going to tear our little country into pieces. But it'll sure remind PAP that the guillotine blade will come dropping if they sliped up some more.

Sticks and carrot, that's our govt’s way of doing things, the same should apply to them too... you have only one vote only one chance in 4~5yearsuse it wisely!

PS: None of you need to agree with me or other readers, stand your ground and feel free to “hoot” anyone you like. Coz open discussion is the nature of my blog…
I’ll love to see 2 side of the story and perhaps learn something from everybody.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Bees Ain't Stupid?!

YeaH!! Li Ao took back his words... he said we are CLEVER! Smarter than he is! Hip Hip HurraAY!!!

To those who viewed him as a Cheat/DumbAss/Liar right from the start... well, if you ain't affected by his previous statement, you shouldn't be feeling otherwise now...

But to all who beat their chest and tear off their hair when we were accused for being stupid... rejoice! We had finally earned our recognition as a Smart Nation!!!

Yippy! Let’s celebrate this day, where the average IQ level of sporean had suddenly shot up by a whopping 100%!
What you waiting for? Bring out the green... or is it brown bottles of beer... whichever lah, I'll take both... hold 'em across your heart and sing with me the
"There a 5 stars arising, out of the stormy sea..."
when the Li Ao's talk show is on!

After singing our National Pride Song, rip off your clothes and do the naked NumaNuma Dance around your TV home entertainment system.

Yeah! For those who still don't have cables, you should be ashamed of yourself and subscribe NOW! Shit, it's time like this that I regretted selling all my Singtel shares!

But when I was doing the ChickenLittleDance half way thru the 12th repeated telecast, I realized to my horror that what Li Ao’s really trying to say is that we are smarter than he is, only because we know that when we fuck the govt, we'll ends up worse than him...

Shit! That's a even more serious accusation than being stupid!
He is saying that we have no LP like those little worker bee that can't reproduce...

Being stupid is bad enough, idiots without balls?!! KNN! This kinda of things CCB he also can anyhow announce on air... how are we gonna face the rest of the world!! HOW?!!

I took a look down there, to my dismay... he's RIGHT Again!! AAaaarggh! I'm so ashamed of myself that I don't wanna live anymore... just let me die lah...

That boy with small bird bird also jump off the flat liao, we don't even have any LP at all still want to waste rice for fuck?

Except for the father, son, and the holy Stephanie Sun... the rest of Spore should commit Sepukku with me right now!!

Monday, April 17, 2006


I was reading Leonard's blog about Cheng Meng...

I reminds me of something that i've not done for the past 8yrs since my grandpa died.
I used to do it with my dad every year for my grandpa's dad though.

We'll spend half the time looking for my Great-grandpa's grave.
After finding it, we'll always tell each other that we'll write the row and "unit" number somewhere.... but come next year, it'll be the same old hunting game all over again.

But it was fun lah... illegally stop by the expressway, jump across drains, hop from one tomb to another, examining some interesting ones, playing with fire, cleaning up the place, catching some grasshopper... only when I'm older that I realised the importance of it...

It ain't about fun or making offering to the soul of great grand pa... If there's really such a thing as afterlife, I believed he would already had long reincarnated atleast 50~60 times as ants, earthworms, bird, fish and my fav crispy BBQ piglets.

It's about taking afew hours break in a year to remember our roots, reflect on life itself, be thankful to those that have make our current life possible and to treasure those that's still around us...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

V... I'm you God

If I were to rule spore with an iron fist...

1. I'll have full control of the media and that includes internet.
NCB will monitor and hack into sites that's against me. A special team code named "Voices of Emiri" will spread my doctrines on the net, coffee shops, offices...

2. But I'll give freedom of speech to all, so that I'll know who's against me... they'll disappear by some freak accidents or heart attack by a special team, code named "Daggers of Emiri".

3. I'll rope in all the "elites" with a flaw... like those who like to sodomise their house pets/maids/kids, those who had committed serious fraud, those who had murdered innocent old ladies...
They will be given high post and serve me like doggy on leash or die a horrible death in jail. Code name "Angles of Emiri"

4. I'll set up 2 or more opposition parties... let them have as much publicities as ppl like them to have.
But they will fumble and fall like clowns, said the stupidest thing that makes ppl wanna egg them.
And my main party will step in to savage the situations. The opp parties will be code name "Clowns of Emiri 1""Clowns of Emiri 2"

5. I'll create bogus enemy, feed the fear of crisis to keep ppl on their toes, reminding them that without me they will fall. The enemy will be a neighbor country or terrorist group call "Devils of Emiri"

6. I'll encourage ppl to form their own groups, held protest during weekends at Padang for "Human right's" "Save the environment" "Stop wearing fur"...
But these groups will be lead by my spies, code name "National Emiri Union Committee"

7. I'll give ppl sex, drugs, Rock&Roll... summing it up... A false sense of freedom. The special task force for this will be named "Dick of Emiri"

8. I’ll let the top students to join the “Future leaders camp”, brain wash and train them to be my fresh hounds. Code name “Emiri’s puppy”

9. I’ll organize and give tax relief to companies that make the biggest Roti Pata, Roti John, Roti boy, Roti… everyweek to make you people proud of spore. Lead by the special organization “Pride of Emiri”

10. I’ll have foam party, rave party, water party, mud party on the streets every full moon on orchard road for the kids. Code name “Fun of Emiri”

11. I'll sell drugs, organs of patients and implement new tax to fund all these Special task forces. A special committee call "Blood suckers of Emiri"

12. I'll ban people from wearing mask.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Hi, I'm Don Quixote, I have a problem...

We're gallant Knights in shinny armors... daily we joist with fellow knights in equally well polished iron shell.

The lances of our noble opponents might splinter our strong shield... but under the cast iron plates and chain mail we're unharmed, always picking ourselves up, brush off the dust and good for another round.

As chivalrous knights, we're eager to seek marvelous adventures...
Abiding the chivalry's strict codes of honor and demeanor, wielding a mighty swords and donning on our impermeable armor... We're all ready to defeat any monsters and perhaps winning favor with a beautiful princess and earn ourselves the holy grail. We are invincible!

But it was only when we left the high walls of our castle and traveled a thousand miles to the dragon's lair that we realized the 40 pound iron that protected us from all swords and maces had became our death trap!

Like a metal prison it weights us down, subjecting us to the merciless flame while our light footed squire jump clear off of the dragon’s fire.

When the once proud Merlion crest on our breast plates cruely burn into our mortal flesh, we scream out in hellish pain but was abruptly silenced by the molten iron of our melted helmets flowing down our throats...

This would be the fate of many a Singaporean businessman in a medieval tale...

In other countries where OUR Laws and Rules don't apply, many of our Knights were reduced to an unrecognizable pile of ash in their doomed errands.

That's why over the years, many of my foreign friend's opinions on us "Singaporean are naive, they thought that just by wielding a paper contract and tons of $$$, they can do business here..."

Li Ao also said we're stupid... yeah, we can fray the kid who laugh at the emperor's new cloth... yeah, it's easy to get people to shut up, censor all -ve remarks or cover it up like an ostrich.

We ain't really stupid... but if we can't even take the first step to admit and look into the problem... we'll really be like what they claimed us to be!!


Friday, April 07, 2006

You stupid woman 3... what's with the TOILET SEATS?!

And by now you girls should know that post with such title might offend you... so read at your own risk and would really appreciate it if you don't tell my mummy about it... please?...

Here we go again... Toilet seats this time.

Have you guys ever been nagged at for leaving the toilet seats up?

I mean, when the fuck did it became a man'e duty to make sure the toilet seats are down all the time, we don't stick our ass to it when we pee ok!

If you have problems balancing that wide ass on just the rim of toilet bowls, then YOU DO IT! You lazy cow!

In facts, you girls should be glad that the seats are up, coz if it's down, it only means one thing... your gonna sit on our sticky dried pee... does that makes your ass smell or feel better?

So be grateful when the seats are up, it proved that you're sharing it with a responsible guy! GOT IT?!!! YOU STUPID CUNT!
PS: Vote for emiri, I'll upgrade all the toilet bowls in Singapore to the good old squatting type! Trust me, it's gonna reduce our devorce rate by half.

As your new MP, I'll also give out free urinary devices to help girls pee standing so we could tear down the female toilet's cubicles and give them rows of urinals.

Have you ever stop to think how much land space that will save? Could jolly hell use that extra land to build the 3rd Casino!

A friend sent me this

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Scientology Whore!

Coffee time with A.Horny.


"Bo Ho lah!”
Giving me the ultimate Tu Lan face “Don't wanna talk about it! CCB! Say already also Dick Fire Burn!!"

Knowing A.Horny for almost a life time, a prologue like this usually means he's going to pour the whole sob story onto me...

So I brace myself, ordered another round of coffee while A.Horny rub between his toes, smell the fingers before he rant on...

"Sei Bei Tu Lan! KKN yesterday go Geylang ganna Tock! Pua Bu eh! I was thinking mah, govt suddenly so good give $$$, so must enjoy abit loh... ends up $200 gone with the wind"

"Good? Don't be stupid, the $$$ is our own tax $$$ to start with. Will take back from you one. Your cigarettes import taxes already how much liao? Plus GST for delivery, GST for fuel, GST from whole seller, GST for..."

"Ang Lah, mine from Philippines... $40 nab nab, tax free"

"Ok, bad example… how about this cup of coffee? Import tax and GST on the sugar, milk, coffee powder, water, distributor, transportation... even the corn they mixed with the coffee also got tax!"

"Corn... no wonder this one have sour aftertaste... hey fuck lah brother, don't interrupt me like this ley... where was I?... ah! The $200 JB girl!"
A.horny proceed to spit greenish phlegm with much vigor, nearly hitting his own nippon slipper.
"Order in one huh? Abit ex lah, but svc good wat... even lick your shit hole one!"

"Good zhi gi lan! I sway sway ganna one Scientology whore!"

"What, she want you to jump on chairs?"

"Worst, you know Tom Cruise force his wife do the "silent birth"? This whore practice "Silent Fuck"... buay keo one! She ma cham dead fish never mind, but forbid me to make a sound too... Turn off men! Cannot make noise how to fuck?"
"KNN where go reason?"

"She said hor, L.Ron Hubbard told her that when you moan in bed, the sound that bounces off the ceilling will cause the cement molecules to vibrate and give off a shock-wave that will trigger off subconscious sexual desire in all the young impressionable minds within 10km radius!"
"Like this those young chaps will feel the need to fuck immediately, but because she's servicing me at the moment, they'll go fuck others and she'll loose sales!"

"What fucking nonsense is this? Don't tell me you just stand there holding you flaccid dick and let her have her way? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!"

"Bo bian lah brother, she threaten to call up her gangsters... I stark naked how to fight them? So gey teo lan pa… LL lor… Anyway I still want to go Geylang next time one ok!"

"Weak lah bro... 2 months never see only you became so fucking weak liao!"

"But you can be fucking sure that I’ll spread the news and next time give my $40 to the lower grade Thai chix lor."
PS: Vote for Emiri, I'll give you guys the freedom of expression.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Committ"ing" Seppuku!

Hey, me still alive and kicking... kicking harder as the date draws near. Thanks for all the concerns! And Votes too... here, I'm "upgrading" my blog as promised since you guys voted for me.

As at April's fool day, I've picked up seppuku, also known as Harakiri... If you don't know, it's Japan's No.1 National Sport and that's how it's played!

Kinda of messy hor, but I'm not going to die just yet... coz seppuku is a slow death... and I wouldn't stop fucking till my erection is over!

PS: Vote for Emiri, I'll keep to my words and do upgrading for your Blogs... and the most attractive parts is that you'll only have to pay me a min sum of $$$, the rest will be paid by the Emiri's Funds... which was donated by you in the first place... LOL!

Emiri commiting Seppuku...

WTF happened to this blog?!! Where's all the sexy pic? What happen to Emiri?...
Dead... the shittyheads killed it.

Well, yesterday some assholes threaten me that I'm not allow to Blog anything about "Erection"...

Yeah, it's the same group of shittyheads who "complains" that the younger generation ain't interested in "SEX".
Such hypocrisy! I spit on your face!

It's like the time when they clamp down on certain language... then on the other hand they pretend to "encourage" ppl to learn it.

Why? It's all just Lies for their own gain and we're all ants swirling along in the toilet bowl.

After so many years, the terrible white noose was still hanging over our heads.
Just loosen it barely enough to let you breath, but once you make a liitle squeak, they'll strangle you till your eyes pops!.

So what's the point of blogging if we have to tell each other lies that nobody believed in?
What's the fucking point of bloging if I can't say what I wanted to say?
I might as well give up my blog right?!!

Now, wipe that stupid grin off your rubber face, coz it's not going to happen.

I'm and I'll still be blogging... but this time, it'll be just to flame you!
You ballless prick! Why you scare ppl digging out the shit that’s hiding under you bed?

If not then what’s with the threat?

PS: Vote for Emiri!!! Atleast I'll do my little butterfly dance for you.